Oh my goodness!

Ah! I leave for vacation in about 36 hours! I'm excited to go on another adventure, another place with C. I am currently sick with a cold at the moment. I've struggled with it a lot in the past week, but have had one building for the past month. I ended up losing my voice a week ago and stayed home last Friday to rest. My throat hurt a lot. I felt better by Sunday and by Tuesday, I was losing my voice again. I don't feel awful this week, just tired. I know I will be way too excited tomorrow night, but I will get some sleep.

It's hard to believe that a year ago we were planning this trip for last May, and then everything went up in the air. It seems like the year flew by.

Looking ahead, C is done with the military in 2 months, and will be home in 3 months. That's so crazy! But I am ready!

Let’s Do This!

I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I’ve struggled with weight for about 11 years now. At first, it was me picking at what I ate, always eating salads when I went out (because I didn’t want to gain weight). Then, it was living with a bulimic and a recovering bulimic. I never starved myself. I never made myself sick. Personally, that is disgusting. I have a very sensitive gag reflex as it is, so I can’t imagine making myself do that all the time.

Then, when I got away from that, I still kind of watched what I ate. I was careful to not make full meals. Or eat soups. For the longest time, it was my go-to thing. I honestly love soup. Not because it’s easy. But because soup tastes good to me. I can think of 2 soups that I do not like- chicken noodle soup and tomato soup. Tomato soup because it’s bland; chicken noodle soup (in a can, mind you) because it’s too salty. I don’t like a lot of salt. So I am not one to put salt on things. In fact, the only time I use salt is if a recipe calls for it.

I’ve blogged before about becoming too sedentary. It’s too easy to say, “I’m too tired, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Or, “I’m not that hungry, I’ll have a sandwich.” It’s so easy to put it off.

Way too easy.

I am way unhappy about the way I look these days. And I have no one to blame but myself. I have a love/hate relationship with my body. I’ve learned to love it over time, but at the same time, I don’t necessarily like what I’ve become. I used to freak out at the sudden change in the scale when I’d step on it. Which used to be every morning. My mom used to worry because I was on the scale every morning. I didn’t want to gain weight.

For me, the weight I am currently at (which seriously, according to others, is not bad) is not a good weight for me. And it makes me sad/unhappy to know that clothes I’ve had for a while now are getting snug. Also, it’s embarrassing to admit that. I bought this shirt from Old Navy back in 2005. It’s a nice dress shirt that I wore from time to time until 2008. At least, I think. I know I haven’t worn it in the last couple of years because I don’t remember it being a part of the newer wardrobe that I wore. (I try to change up what I wear to school, but failing at it lately). So, anyways, I wanted to wear it a couple of weeks ago. And guess what? It doesn’t look right on me anymore. It would not be good to wear something that doesn’t look right/doesn’t fit right. So it is now in my pile of things to either put on a garage sale or give away.

In a way, I reasoned it by saying to myself, “I’ve had this for 7 years (crazy, right???), and I haven’t worn it in the last 4, so it’s time.” The other part of me says, “I can’t believe I no longer can wear this without it looking bad.”

Right now, I don’t need to buy larger clothes. Everything still fits, even if it’s snug. But I’m about to change that. A transformation of my life. Of my eating habits. I don’t want to be this sedentary person anymore.

A few days ago, we started Lent. I remember what I gave up last year (getting on Facebook) and remembered when I broke it (when the earthquake hit Japan). But I still tried to keep up with it. I had no clue until 2 days ago what I wanted to give up for Lent. And then it hit me- excuses. I don’t want to say to myself every day, “Eh, there’s tomorrow. I can do it then.” I want to do it today. I want to work out every day, eat better (not that I eat out a lot). I want to take the time to prepare my meals (actual cooking, not from a box). But I want it to be healthier.

I was joking with myself Thursday night when I was on Pinterest. I see all these recipes I want to try (some desserts, because I have a sweet tooth). But at the same time, just looking at them has somehow fulfilled my cravings of them. FYI, I don’t eat a lot of sweets. I like to bake more than anything, but I hardly eat what I bake. Weird, I know. I think it’s the joy I get from baking that does it for me. But anyways, I was joking with myself that I just gained about 10 pounds just from looking at recipes on Pinterest that night.

I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. I HAVE to do this for myself. And it excites me to do so. A couple of nights ago, I began thinking about WeightWatchers. Not only do they help people lose weight, but they also help people eat better, learn to use lower in fat food products. A few minutes later, my sis texted me to tell me she was thinking about doing WW, and wanted to know if I would do it with her. It’s like we both had the exact same thought at the same time. I told her I was interested in it. We both want to do it online. We’re going to talk about it some more, but I think we will do it. We’re both ready to do this.

Not only that, but I’ve begun to do Zumba. It’s on the Wii (it’s fun, it’s dancing, and if I mess up, no one is there to watch ). I enjoy Zumba, I just slacked off for a couple of weeks. Hence, where the excuses start coming in. This will be a huge lifestyle change for me, one that I know I can do. I can and will become less sedentary and more active in life. I keep telling myself, I want to run a 5k. How am I supposed to do this I cannot get more active? How am I supposed to do this if I do not push myself? I need this, I need to keep motivating myself.

While I will not post my actual weight, I do plan on keeping this blog up to date with my transformation progress. I am holding myself accountable (I don’t need someone else to do it for me), as I am the only one who can do this for ME, the only one who can change the things I don’t like about ME.

So let’s do this!

Philly Cooking Cream

I have bought 2 different kinds of their cooking cream on 2 different occasions in the past month.

I am not impressed with them at all.

I can't remember the first one I tried, but the second one, lemon-something, tasted like the first one. And on top of that, they both tasted bland. I was disappointed because I love lemon and got my hopes up on that one at least.

I even put it in a recipe that was on top of the lid.

Boo. :(

Nightmare

I don't know what it is, but I haven been getting at least one bad nightmare a month for about 6 months or so. I usually wake up thinking someone is in my apartment. Early this morning, I didn't feel that way as much as being scared. I felt anxiety kick in, like a heavy weight sitting on my chest. I was not even fully awake, but I had to slow my breathing and tell myself that it was only a dream.

I must have an intense fear that someone is going to break in. Maybe that book I read before going to bed didn't help, either...

New Tangle

This is one I have been working on this week. I have just a bit more ready to be colored, but I will post pictures of that one later. Very modern looking and I like it! I used colors in the green family (teal, blue green, turquoise, etc.). Enjoy!

An update...

When I haven't done any good baking in awhile or even Zentangling, I start getting urges to do it. Maybe because those two things help soothe/calm/relax me. Maybe because they are a part of me, and I am a part of them.

I thoroughly enjoy cooking and baking and drawing Zentagles. One of my goals is to do more of both of those. I don't care if I have to do a little zentangling each day. I ended up ordering a new Zentangle book today, plus a raw art journaling book, and some keurig k-cups.

With Zentangles, I can shut the world out and just do my own thing for awhile. I actually started working on a birthday card for my mom tonight. It's almost finished, I just have to add some more touches to it. It's not fancy, but the fact that I made it and I know that she enjoys looking at Zentangles, is what it is all about. She has already asked if she can frame it.

Another goal I am setting for myself is to start working out again. I don't know how it happened, but I have become more sedentary than I like. Occasionally, I might have fast food. But it's rare. I just am way less active, and I don't like it. While I try not to use this word, I am throwing it out there. I am putting myself on a diet. There. I said it. The entire phrase and word.

I bought a Zumba dance game for the Wii for my mom, sis, and I to use. I started it tonight, and oh my goodness! It is intense. But I really enjoyed it, so I can tell that it will be beneficial to me.

This was a huge ramble, but some of what has been on my mind lately. :) Have a great week!

A Look Back…

I know we are 5 days into the new year, but this is the first time I am able to really sit down and write- to all 3 of my readers. Just kidding, there may be more than that, I don’t know. But I do thank you for reading this.

I don’t always post everything that is going on in my life, because well, I like to keep some things private. I am going to reflect on 2011 right now.

I started off the year with a bang. Well, okay, we didn’t. I was in Japan, with C. We sang Karaoke (does anyone else think that is spelled wrong???) down by the base on December 31st, 2010. We were both asleep by midnight, I believe. I was still fighting jet lag, and would be for a couple more days.

I keep thinking of Japan lately. As in, I would love to go back there. I truly enjoyed my trip immensely. Maybe that is because I had a wonderful novice guide with me. In all seriousness, I want to go back someday. I enjoyed the country, the scenery, everything about it. A year later, I can still see the ocean perfectly in my mind as we walked to catch the train. It was beautiful and peaceful. When I left Japan on January 10th, I didn’t know when C and I would see each other again. He wasn’t sure he would be coming back to the states just yet. The downside to an extreme LDR (long distance romance) is the fact that we never knew when we’d see each other again. I knew either on my birthday or not long after that he was coming back to the states for sure.

February came and went. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary, and I decided I needed a different phone- considering my old one’s battery would drain in about 5 minutes or less.

In March, I hung out with C’s best friend, his wife, and their son one night. I played games online with C, his brother, and his best friend. It was neat to hear C, even if I couldn’t see him. A week later, Japan had suffered a devastating tragedy when an earthquake struck Tokyo. C was okay, but he eventually went out to sea. Thank you, to everyone who kept him in your prayers. His parents flew over, only to fly back a few days later because C was called to duty.

And then about mid April, his plans to come home were suddenly up in the air. No one had any idea what was going on, and I couldn’t make it better for him. The worst case scenario would have been he stayed there for the rest of his time in the service. Which meant almost another year at that point. The earliest he may have been able to come home was Christmas 2011. So we were preparing for it.

I landed my first full-time job in early May, and I enjoy what I do immensely. Sadly, C’s grandmother passed away in late May. It was completely unexpected. C talked to his parents right after it happened (they were able to get a Red Cross message to him), and he didn’t think they would let him come home. But the morning of the funeral viewing, C’s mom called to tell me he was on his way home. I was so thankful he was able to say goodbye to his grandmother. We spent 5 days together, and again, we weren’t sure if he was coming back to the states, but it wasn’t looking like it. He went back overseas on June 1st.

On June 9th, I woke up wondering if he would be coming back soon. On June 10th, I got a text from him at 3 in the morning saying he was on his way home. It was the best text ever! And so began our shorter LDR. I’ve been out there a few times, and have loved it every time I have gone out. It’s pretty, peaceful AND the ocean is right there. I’ve seen 2 oceans because of him- the Atlantic and the Pacific.

I’ve been camping with my family, celebrated my Grandmother’s 80th birthday in October, spent Thanksgiving with C and his family, and had 4 Christmases this year with C (between his family and mine). While there are still rifts in my family, a majority of us put our differences aside for the sake of our family and were able to have a lovely Christmas together.

I used to follow this blog of a man who had some form of cancer. He and his wife (he was in his early 30’s, I believe) decided to travel the United States, riding to their adventures. I can’t remember what the blog was called, but I do know that he didn’t want to have any regrets in life. His motto was, “Today was my best day.” Even if it wasn’t his best day, he found something about it that made it his best day. He passed away not too long ago. While I didn’t know him, I enjoyed reading about the adventures of he and his wife, as they spent time together. I was touched by his story, moved by his outlook on life. I’m an optimistically positive person, but he has helped how I have looked at life. Even when I am having a down day, I always tell myself, “Today was my best day.” And it helps.

I know I haven’t touched on everything that happened this year, but that is a huge majority of it. 2011 was a great year, a year of firsts, a year of big changes, new things to come. It made me really look forward to 2012. I have never been one to say, “This year has sucked! I can’t wait until next year is here!” I always want to say to those who feel that way, “Change your life NOW. Don’t wait until the new year to do it. You are in control of your destiny, so do something about it.” God leads us in the right direction, but ultimately, he leaves it to us to decide if we want to make our lives better or not.

There are many things I hope to accomplish in the next year. I don’t want to have “resolutions” but I want to write letters to myself a few months into the future, as if I had already done it. Maybe this will help me accomplish those goals.

Here’s to a new year, a better you!