I Haven't Forgotten You

I am still up, because I wasn't tired yet and my mind was thinking other things. I just looked at the tine and almost to the minute, it has been 4 years since my grandfather passed away. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

I had gone to spend time with a friend, and her friend on the 26th. They were both getting married, so we ran some errands. I came back to my grandpa's hospital room later that night, and he had told my grandma and my cousin he was ready to go.

I guess it didn't really register with me (I still denied it/accepted it up until he passes away) until the next morning at breakfast after church when they were talking about him being ready to go. We got to the hospital, ANC everyone else talked to people in the lobby. I wanted to see him- partly for my own closure. I walked up the 3 flights of stairs by myself and went into his room. I held his hand like I had done numerous times before, noticed how soft they were. I squeezed his hand z d told him I loved him. Silently, I was begging him to squeeze my hand. And then he did, saying clear as a bell that he loved me, too. I carry that with me to this day.

My dad told me that he knew grandpa was getting ready to go, because his breathing changed as did his skin colo. I was so focused on denying that it was actually happening that I missed those details. After all, he had been at death's door before and came back to us.

I have tried not to think about it all week. But now that the minute is approaching, and I am not doing anything else to occupy my mind, I am thinking about it. When the phone rang at 2:52 that morning, I knew. I knew we either didn't have much time or he had already passed. The nurse called to say he was taking his final breaths and to get there as soon as possible. So I called my sister, woke get up and told her to get to the hospital. We were there within 10 minutes, and he hac passed not long after that call.

Even though he wasn't the grandpa I knew the 4 years leading up to his death, I still have many great memories of my grandfather. I don't cry often anymore, but right now for sure. Even though it has been 4 years, it doesn't make the pain go away, nor does it lessen the memories I do have.

At the moment, I want my mom. I know I can't take away her pain, and she can't take away mine, but we will have each other to lean on. I have to go to bed. My head hurts from crying, my heart aches, and I am just ready to go to sleep right now. Maybe I will dream of him.

Wherever you are, poppy, know that you are still loved and missed every single day.

Zentangles!

I have some new tangles to post! It is my hope to one dag go to their conference. I just need to dream it, plan it, do it.

Oh my goodness!

Ah! I leave for vacation in about 36 hours! I'm excited to go on another adventure, another place with C. I am currently sick with a cold at the moment. I've struggled with it a lot in the past week, but have had one building for the past month. I ended up losing my voice a week ago and stayed home last Friday to rest. My throat hurt a lot. I felt better by Sunday and by Tuesday, I was losing my voice again. I don't feel awful this week, just tired. I know I will be way too excited tomorrow night, but I will get some sleep.

It's hard to believe that a year ago we were planning this trip for last May, and then everything went up in the air. It seems like the year flew by.

Looking ahead, C is done with the military in 2 months, and will be home in 3 months. That's so crazy! But I am ready!

Let’s Do This!

I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I’ve struggled with weight for about 11 years now. At first, it was me picking at what I ate, always eating salads when I went out (because I didn’t want to gain weight). Then, it was living with a bulimic and a recovering bulimic. I never starved myself. I never made myself sick. Personally, that is disgusting. I have a very sensitive gag reflex as it is, so I can’t imagine making myself do that all the time.

Then, when I got away from that, I still kind of watched what I ate. I was careful to not make full meals. Or eat soups. For the longest time, it was my go-to thing. I honestly love soup. Not because it’s easy. But because soup tastes good to me. I can think of 2 soups that I do not like- chicken noodle soup and tomato soup. Tomato soup because it’s bland; chicken noodle soup (in a can, mind you) because it’s too salty. I don’t like a lot of salt. So I am not one to put salt on things. In fact, the only time I use salt is if a recipe calls for it.

I’ve blogged before about becoming too sedentary. It’s too easy to say, “I’m too tired, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Or, “I’m not that hungry, I’ll have a sandwich.” It’s so easy to put it off.

Way too easy.

I am way unhappy about the way I look these days. And I have no one to blame but myself. I have a love/hate relationship with my body. I’ve learned to love it over time, but at the same time, I don’t necessarily like what I’ve become. I used to freak out at the sudden change in the scale when I’d step on it. Which used to be every morning. My mom used to worry because I was on the scale every morning. I didn’t want to gain weight.

For me, the weight I am currently at (which seriously, according to others, is not bad) is not a good weight for me. And it makes me sad/unhappy to know that clothes I’ve had for a while now are getting snug. Also, it’s embarrassing to admit that. I bought this shirt from Old Navy back in 2005. It’s a nice dress shirt that I wore from time to time until 2008. At least, I think. I know I haven’t worn it in the last couple of years because I don’t remember it being a part of the newer wardrobe that I wore. (I try to change up what I wear to school, but failing at it lately). So, anyways, I wanted to wear it a couple of weeks ago. And guess what? It doesn’t look right on me anymore. It would not be good to wear something that doesn’t look right/doesn’t fit right. So it is now in my pile of things to either put on a garage sale or give away.

In a way, I reasoned it by saying to myself, “I’ve had this for 7 years (crazy, right???), and I haven’t worn it in the last 4, so it’s time.” The other part of me says, “I can’t believe I no longer can wear this without it looking bad.”

Right now, I don’t need to buy larger clothes. Everything still fits, even if it’s snug. But I’m about to change that. A transformation of my life. Of my eating habits. I don’t want to be this sedentary person anymore.

A few days ago, we started Lent. I remember what I gave up last year (getting on Facebook) and remembered when I broke it (when the earthquake hit Japan). But I still tried to keep up with it. I had no clue until 2 days ago what I wanted to give up for Lent. And then it hit me- excuses. I don’t want to say to myself every day, “Eh, there’s tomorrow. I can do it then.” I want to do it today. I want to work out every day, eat better (not that I eat out a lot). I want to take the time to prepare my meals (actual cooking, not from a box). But I want it to be healthier.

I was joking with myself Thursday night when I was on Pinterest. I see all these recipes I want to try (some desserts, because I have a sweet tooth). But at the same time, just looking at them has somehow fulfilled my cravings of them. FYI, I don’t eat a lot of sweets. I like to bake more than anything, but I hardly eat what I bake. Weird, I know. I think it’s the joy I get from baking that does it for me. But anyways, I was joking with myself that I just gained about 10 pounds just from looking at recipes on Pinterest that night.

I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. I HAVE to do this for myself. And it excites me to do so. A couple of nights ago, I began thinking about WeightWatchers. Not only do they help people lose weight, but they also help people eat better, learn to use lower in fat food products. A few minutes later, my sis texted me to tell me she was thinking about doing WW, and wanted to know if I would do it with her. It’s like we both had the exact same thought at the same time. I told her I was interested in it. We both want to do it online. We’re going to talk about it some more, but I think we will do it. We’re both ready to do this.

Not only that, but I’ve begun to do Zumba. It’s on the Wii (it’s fun, it’s dancing, and if I mess up, no one is there to watch ). I enjoy Zumba, I just slacked off for a couple of weeks. Hence, where the excuses start coming in. This will be a huge lifestyle change for me, one that I know I can do. I can and will become less sedentary and more active in life. I keep telling myself, I want to run a 5k. How am I supposed to do this I cannot get more active? How am I supposed to do this if I do not push myself? I need this, I need to keep motivating myself.

While I will not post my actual weight, I do plan on keeping this blog up to date with my transformation progress. I am holding myself accountable (I don’t need someone else to do it for me), as I am the only one who can do this for ME, the only one who can change the things I don’t like about ME.

So let’s do this!

Philly Cooking Cream

I have bought 2 different kinds of their cooking cream on 2 different occasions in the past month.

I am not impressed with them at all.

I can't remember the first one I tried, but the second one, lemon-something, tasted like the first one. And on top of that, they both tasted bland. I was disappointed because I love lemon and got my hopes up on that one at least.

I even put it in a recipe that was on top of the lid.

Boo. :(

Nightmare

I don't know what it is, but I haven been getting at least one bad nightmare a month for about 6 months or so. I usually wake up thinking someone is in my apartment. Early this morning, I didn't feel that way as much as being scared. I felt anxiety kick in, like a heavy weight sitting on my chest. I was not even fully awake, but I had to slow my breathing and tell myself that it was only a dream.

I must have an intense fear that someone is going to break in. Maybe that book I read before going to bed didn't help, either...

New Tangle

This is one I have been working on this week. I have just a bit more ready to be colored, but I will post pictures of that one later. Very modern looking and I like it! I used colors in the green family (teal, blue green, turquoise, etc.). Enjoy!