I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I’ve struggled with weight for about 11 years now. At first, it was me picking at what I ate, always eating salads when I went out (because I didn’t want to gain weight). Then, it was living with a bulimic and a recovering bulimic. I never starved myself. I never made myself sick. Personally, that is disgusting. I have a very sensitive gag reflex as it is, so I can’t imagine making myself do that all the time.
Then, when I got away from that, I still kind of watched what I ate. I was careful to not make full meals. Or eat soups. For the longest time, it was my go-to thing. I honestly love soup. Not because it’s easy. But because soup tastes good to me. I can think of 2 soups that I do not like- chicken noodle soup and tomato soup. Tomato soup because it’s bland; chicken noodle soup (in a can, mind you) because it’s too salty. I don’t like a lot of salt. So I am not one to put salt on things. In fact, the only time I use salt is if a recipe calls for it.
I’ve blogged before about becoming too sedentary. It’s too easy to say, “I’m too tired, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Or, “I’m not that hungry, I’ll have a sandwich.” It’s so easy to put it off.
Way too easy.
I am way unhappy about the way I look these days. And I have no one to blame but myself. I have a love/hate relationship with my body. I’ve learned to love it over time, but at the same time, I don’t necessarily like what I’ve become. I used to freak out at the sudden change in the scale when I’d step on it. Which used to be every morning. My mom used to worry because I was on the scale every morning. I didn’t want to gain weight.
For me, the weight I am currently at (which seriously, according to others, is not bad) is not a good weight for me. And it makes me sad/unhappy to know that clothes I’ve had for a while now are getting snug. Also, it’s embarrassing to admit that. I bought this shirt from Old Navy back in 2005. It’s a nice dress shirt that I wore from time to time until 2008. At least, I think. I know I haven’t worn it in the last couple of years because I don’t remember it being a part of the newer wardrobe that I wore. (I try to change up what I wear to school, but failing at it lately). So, anyways, I wanted to wear it a couple of weeks ago. And guess what? It doesn’t look right on me anymore. It would not be good to wear something that doesn’t look right/doesn’t fit right. So it is now in my pile of things to either put on a garage sale or give away.
In a way, I reasoned it by saying to myself, “I’ve had this for 7 years (crazy, right???), and I haven’t worn it in the last 4, so it’s time.” The other part of me says, “I can’t believe I no longer can wear this without it looking bad.”
Right now, I don’t need to buy larger clothes. Everything still fits, even if it’s snug. But I’m about to change that. A transformation of my life. Of my eating habits. I don’t want to be this sedentary person anymore.
A few days ago, we started Lent. I remember what I gave up last year (getting on Facebook) and remembered when I broke it (when the earthquake hit Japan). But I still tried to keep up with it. I had no clue until 2 days ago what I wanted to give up for Lent. And then it hit me- excuses. I don’t want to say to myself every day, “Eh, there’s tomorrow. I can do it then.” I want to do it today. I want to work out every day, eat better (not that I eat out a lot). I want to take the time to prepare my meals (actual cooking, not from a box). But I want it to be healthier.
I was joking with myself Thursday night when I was on Pinterest. I see all these recipes I want to try (some desserts, because I have a sweet tooth). But at the same time, just looking at them has somehow fulfilled my cravings of them. FYI, I don’t eat a lot of sweets. I like to bake more than anything, but I hardly eat what I bake. Weird, I know. I think it’s the joy I get from baking that does it for me. But anyways, I was joking with myself that I just gained about 10 pounds just from looking at recipes on Pinterest that night.
I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. I HAVE to do this for myself. And it excites me to do so. A couple of nights ago, I began thinking about WeightWatchers. Not only do they help people lose weight, but they also help people eat better, learn to use lower in fat food products. A few minutes later, my sis texted me to tell me she was thinking about doing WW, and wanted to know if I would do it with her. It’s like we both had the exact same thought at the same time. I told her I was interested in it. We both want to do it online. We’re going to talk about it some more, but I think we will do it. We’re both ready to do this.
Not only that, but I’ve begun to do Zumba. It’s on the Wii (it’s fun, it’s dancing, and if I mess up, no one is there to watch 
). I enjoy Zumba, I just slacked off for a couple of weeks. Hence, where the excuses start coming in. This will be a huge lifestyle change for me, one that I know I can do. I can and will become less sedentary and more active in life. I keep telling myself, I want to run a 5k. How am I supposed to do this I cannot get more active? How am I supposed to do this if I do not push myself? I need this, I need to keep motivating myself.
While I will not post my actual weight, I do plan on keeping this blog up to date with my transformation progress. I am holding myself accountable (I don’t need someone else to do it for me), as I am the only one who can do this for ME, the only one who can change the things I don’t like about ME.
So let’s do this!
