I Haven't Forgotten You

I am still up, because I wasn't tired yet and my mind was thinking other things. I just looked at the tine and almost to the minute, it has been 4 years since my grandfather passed away. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

I had gone to spend time with a friend, and her friend on the 26th. They were both getting married, so we ran some errands. I came back to my grandpa's hospital room later that night, and he had told my grandma and my cousin he was ready to go.

I guess it didn't really register with me (I still denied it/accepted it up until he passes away) until the next morning at breakfast after church when they were talking about him being ready to go. We got to the hospital, ANC everyone else talked to people in the lobby. I wanted to see him- partly for my own closure. I walked up the 3 flights of stairs by myself and went into his room. I held his hand like I had done numerous times before, noticed how soft they were. I squeezed his hand z d told him I loved him. Silently, I was begging him to squeeze my hand. And then he did, saying clear as a bell that he loved me, too. I carry that with me to this day.

My dad told me that he knew grandpa was getting ready to go, because his breathing changed as did his skin colo. I was so focused on denying that it was actually happening that I missed those details. After all, he had been at death's door before and came back to us.

I have tried not to think about it all week. But now that the minute is approaching, and I am not doing anything else to occupy my mind, I am thinking about it. When the phone rang at 2:52 that morning, I knew. I knew we either didn't have much time or he had already passed. The nurse called to say he was taking his final breaths and to get there as soon as possible. So I called my sister, woke get up and told her to get to the hospital. We were there within 10 minutes, and he hac passed not long after that call.

Even though he wasn't the grandpa I knew the 4 years leading up to his death, I still have many great memories of my grandfather. I don't cry often anymore, but right now for sure. Even though it has been 4 years, it doesn't make the pain go away, nor does it lessen the memories I do have.

At the moment, I want my mom. I know I can't take away her pain, and she can't take away mine, but we will have each other to lean on. I have to go to bed. My head hurts from crying, my heart aches, and I am just ready to go to sleep right now. Maybe I will dream of him.

Wherever you are, poppy, know that you are still loved and missed every single day.

Zentangles!

I have some new tangles to post! It is my hope to one dag go to their conference. I just need to dream it, plan it, do it.